looseleaf
hi. i have a lot of ideas for blog posts that i desperately want to write, pointed ones with something to say, but right now i'm writing because i don't want to go to bed. as usual. emotion wins my time.
okay i just figured out what to do about this desperate searching feeling and it was meditate. i couldn't go all the way there, probably because i knew was about to report my results here, but it helped. any time i'm forcing myself to focus on something, going "ENJOY, ENJOY, ENJOY" and it's not working, it turns out it's because i'm blocking what's actually happening to fantasize about what could be happening, which is performative on a cellular level and my body rejects it. so opening my ears to every sound wakes me up to the moment and changes everything.
i'm usually very perfectionistic with these but i'm going to try to do a morning pages-type writing as an experiment. it's 12:21 am by the way.
when i was really popular on Facebook almost 10 years ago i came to despise the voice i couldn't get out of and the same thing is happening here. it's like dry, didactic, knowing, fake humble, and wry. I HATE IT! HELP!
okay i'm setting a timer for 10 minutes and i'm not allowed to stop writing until it goes off:
my name is Andreqw, hello hello hello, I'm wearing shoes and i hagve to go. oops that shouldn't have come out here but it's stufki in my qhead all the time now. it's from a PODCAST YOU KNOW IT UGH IM'M DOING THE VOICE AGAIN OH NOOOOOO I used to do morning p;ages and read them to my roommates and every single day i am assaulted by memories, bad embarrassing memories that make me cringe out loud, the voice owuldd day say "siurely i've talked about that here already," but i'm not using the voice so i will say...............i have a memory of writing that but maybe i've just said it out loud so many times. oh my god that feels so much more honest. HAHAHAHA the timer isn't going
okay starting over. last time the timer started without me knowing and this time was the opposite. the voice would say "this time it overcorrected" and i would go :smirk emoji: i'm assigning anthropomorphic qualities to the timer ha ha ha ha ha har har har har. i'm so clever and i bet i bet people aren't even paying enough attention to notice except the really smart perceptive people who take the time to slow down and notice lkadjsf;alskdjf;alkdsjf;alskdfja;sldkfj;asldfj okay when i'm hand writing i go i say lalalalalalala but this takes so much less time and is so much more satisfying ;lkasjdf;alskdjf;alskdjf;alskdfj;aslkdjf;alskdfj;alskdfj;aldfsjk !! wheeeee! okay i just thought of the p;ancakes book by tommy dipaolo or Tommy DiPaolo. [edit: or TOMIE DEPAOLA.] you know. it is better to get whalloped with random memories rather than specifically embarrassing memories. why is that is it a form of ocd i've described it to so many people and no one says "me too!" ugh what's wrong with me. wow this feels so much better. wow, this feels so much better. i'm writing becasue i'm lonely. i got in (to the place where i'm housesitting) (from my partner's house where i left him asleep on the couch) and i was determined not to do the following things: -sit on the couch and watch what's supposed to be a single youtube video or episode of a tv show but then turns into a media binge staying up all night checking the time going idkkkkk, how do i get up from the couch i can't remember, while the dogs sigh and side eye me and i curse myself out loud and say someday i will give them a normal evening where we are all cozy together and i get them in bed when they're used to. -binge eat to avoid going to bed. -SCROLL. you know what, i wasn't even in danger of that one!! i actually had to think for a second to remember that that was one of my options. do you have ANY IDEA how much growth that signals for me? sometimes i can't believe how far i've come. -trawl social media for someone to talk to—a bleak and generally unfruitful act. lalalalalalalalalalalalalalala. so instead of doing those things i texted greg the words "me no wan go bed" knowing full well that he is asleep on the couch right now and not interested in texting me back. and then i thought, what i need right now is a friend. but no matter what i do, friend is not something that comes to me as easily as i call for it. probably that sentence don't make sense. i've been correxting my typos automarically but i don't want to . ahh. uhlljj.hl. i it's a deep sadness taht only ocme comes out in moments like this. i have a lot of those. they sound like this: what if i'm making a mistake? what if i'll never get it? lol the timer reached zero and it didn't make a sound. what is even the fucking point?
okay, i took a few deep breaths but i'm going to keep writing. what i mean is,,,, okay a few months or years ago i would've described it as a deep sadness because of its depth, but now i describe it as a deep sadness because it's not on the surface. the thing i have achieved this year is healing my depression. despite my material conditions having barely changed, despite being continuously broke and having doubts about my relationship and feeling stuck in a dead end in most possible ways, i feel better. i love myself and i trust myself and i feel a pervasive sense of hope and excitement for what i have yet to experience. and so the sadness only comes up in little fleeting moments instead of swallowing me whole all the time. (i do NOT think my depression is solved or gone for good, just that it's not taking over my life, and that is a huge change from the previous 5 years.) writing stream of consciousness is so much better than this, i'm getting lost in word choice instead of finding the truth.
i can't go here. there's too much grief. there's too much history of me begging, and anyone reading this will see it as more begging. when i am lost like this, there IS always an answer that eventually i figure out. but i just wish someone would tell me. what am i doing wrong? please please please please tell me what i can do to make people want to be around me. people that i like and want to be around. i do everything that you're supposed to do. i put in the work. i have changed gears to correct my approach so many times. nothing works. it used to be so easy and now it isn't. because other people were doing it for me. partners and friends who were more fearless and ambitious about making it happen, and i tagged along. how do i do that? how do i get to be included? fuck this isn't something i think about anymore, not every day like i used to. no matter how much my friends say they love me, they don't think to invite me. or maybe they do think, but they don't want to. and the fact that i want them to so desperately makes them hold it back. if i'm that desperate, they think, then there must be a reason i can't get it. there's this local musician that i'm friends with and for a long time he would get on social media and complain about how he was so talented and no one ever wanted to book him. and the complaints increased as time went on because everyone was proving his point. and i was booking shows at this point, and i didn't want to book him. because if i did i would be giving into the pressure, and i would be taking his side publicly, and it would feel pathetic. and i think of him every time i skirt the edge of begging people to hang out with me, and i wonder where the line is. at what point did it become clear that chelsea needed to be excluded.
i have not a single person in the universe that i can be fully, completely honest with, and if i do then they're trying to fuck me. which doesn't count, because that's only conditional acceptance. for many years my best friend was whoever i was sleeping with, which was not sustainable, because every few months i would lose both my best friend and my lover. but that type of relationship is so much easier to navigate. why?
i think once i've slept with someone i trust them more. which is probably the opposite of how most women feel. (is it?)
i refuse to apologize for this sloughing. i am interested in making a post of all the times i've apologized for writing what i want to in this blog, and then deleting them from their entries. maybe i will do that right now actually.
if i were reading the words of a stranger or a friend, this is the type of thing i would enjoy. rawness. i'm not coming up with clever metaphors or tying the intro to the conclusion with impressive last-minute pattern recognition. i'm just talking.
when i am apologizing for writing about my feelings, being vulnerable, pitying myself publicly, having the time to wallow in these feelings instead of working in a hospital or doing environmental activism, there is a particular face that comes into my mind. someone who would judge me as hard as they judge themselves. and i have to let go of this person's hold on me. this is the first step.
does no one want to spend time with me, or am i actively culling all the people in my life who would? do i have a taste for people who harm me? or is everyone awful, and my standards are too high? i had a friend who told me there was something wrong with me every time my feelings were hurt, and that it was creepy to want to communicate about them. is the truth maybe somewhere in between?
gonna post this without reading it. i hope it's seen by eyes that enjoy it.
ugh cringe cringe cringe cringe it's okay i can do it