worry stone
when i worked at the big boy job that temporarily ruined my life, i went through several phases of existence based on whichever coworker i was busy orienting myself around. my second crush was on a gender neutral AFAB person whose presence felt soothing to me right away. the first time i saw them i asked [crush 1] if it was safe to assume the pronouns of all my new coworkers, and she said yes. once we had gotten to know each other better i asked them myself, which was how i became the second person in the office they came out to.
they wore baggy black or grey scrubs every day, with chunky androgynous silver jewelry that matched the piercings in their face. their head was blond and shaved. they hated their body as much as i loved it. they were very, very shy. i worked in a part of the building that was constantly under supervision, drowning in paperwork and business-casual layers. everything about watching them and aligning myself with them helped me feel a bit edgier, more queer and more free. i broke the social code of the office by inviting them to eat lunch with me at the picnic table out back, and i thrilled at people seeing us there. the table was surrounded by delicately fragrant tea olive trees that bloomed more times a year than made sense. in my maladaptive daydreams it was a magical grotto, there to whisk me away from the florescent linoleum computer screen panopticon from hell.
the schedules were randomly assigned, but as soon as i asked for their companionship, ours started lining up. each morning i would hand them their assignments and we'd share a smile at the amazing happenstance, something to look forward to finally. i was always trying to push the limit. want to go somewhere for lunch? (they couldn't spend the money. they ate a pb&j every day while i wasted my paycheck on takeout leftovers that made me fat.) want to hang out this weekend? (uh...they'd text me if they could.) i have a blanket in my car, want to walk into the park and have a picnic? (alright, but...was i sure that was a good idea? they didn't want to be late.) they eventually revealed that they were gay, autistic, kinky, submissive, and into pet play. of course i couldn't just know that information, i had to try to mold myself in the shape of it...which didn't work, because it never does. i don't think we ever even kissed.
the most magical thing was that they started bringing me tiny, smooth, perfect rocks from the spot by the creek where they would go to smoke, and they gave them to me IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. the first time this happened, they ran up to my desk with a little grin, said "i brought you something," dropped it in my hand, and scampered away like a fuckable woodland animal. my coworkers stared at me in impressed disbelief. i got the sense that despite their insecurity and anxiety and neurodivergence and facial piercings, their quiet competence was highly respected. i went to the same smoking spot later that day, my "gifts" love language not to be outdone, not really believing but hoping i could find a similar treasure during my 5 minute monotony break, and a large, iridescent cicada wing sifted itself up from the dirt. i gave it to them, their eyes turned into stars, and they showed it to everyone for the rest of the day.
they ended our standing lunch date a few months later, when their long-distance girlfriend broke up with them and they had too much grief to entertain my attentions. my heart already knew it was over when i couldn't stop bringing them cookies, stickers, other small gifts - never a good sign. i held onto all of the rocks they gave me, and when i wanted to feel okay about my life i would put them in my mouth and feel their cool weight on my tongue.
anyway, i have a lot to worry about right now but that story came to me and i felt like writing it down. thank god.