what is a blog for?
i have been thinking about doing this for so long that i've already covered every angle of why i should, why i shouldn't, what's the point, is it bad for me, how will i feel about it in 10 years, et cetera. i've already worried the stone in my palm for so long that it's in danger of disappearing.
i'm lonely. that's what it's for.
that's going to be a recurring topic, a lot, if i keep this going and talk as much as i want to. UNLESS extracting my thoughts about it stops the spin cycle and helps me think about other things, the way it did when i was regularly doing morning pages (10 years ago). that would be fantastic amazing incredible how can anyone ever choose between words.
anyway...i don't need this to be seen by many...don't even necessarily want it to...and there's so much guilt/shame about making my thoughts public (hence the lightly self-deprecating name of the blog) ~ but i know that i need some sort of cathartic practice, and this is what comes most easily to me, and struggle isn't always commendable.
i deactivated instagram over a month ago. that's also going to be a common theme. i already have multiple rants written in my head, my notes app, and my voice memos about these subjects and how they intertwine. deactivating instagram has changed my life and my brain, exactly like everyone has always said it would, and all the excuses i used to justify staying on the app are now painfully obvious to me as the last dying gasps of addiction. or something. maybe that's just a sentence i wanted to write. but it's close.
i'm trying not to use words like regurgitate, word vomit, etc and to think more about phrases like stream-of-consciousness (although it's not. i'm editing as i go. but i think i'm going to hit publish on my first draft, and i think it's going to feel real good, and if i'm unhappy with anything i can use my words to amend it later. oh god, using my words feels so good. it's more like a cumming than a regurgitation).......
i keep starting new paragraphs trying to make the same point. the point is that within my lifelong self-study of divesting from performance to savor experience
no. let me rephrase. as i am aware of my lifelong work in learning how to STOP PERFORMING and START FEELING and hopefully inspire others to do the same...why am i giving into the desire to post my inner world to the internet? i already answered this question. it's because i'm lonely. and also, because i'm a writer. and also, humans have been doing this forever. whenever i ask myself if a behavior is okay or just a symptom of a dying capitalistic parody world, i always automatically reference it against the norms of georgian times for some reason (long before my jane austen obsession of last summer), even though their society wasn't much to look up to. but most people back then, at least the ones we know about, had specific times built into their day for writing letters, because the excising of words from one's soul is a necessary action. and, you know, cave paintings n shit. and the world is larger now. i could write letters to my old coworker whose hobby is writing letters. or i could continue to babble all my stuck thoughts to my partner whenever we go on a dog walk and i can get him to stop talking about video games. but i don't think i should be relying on just one person for this...purging.
there is no end to the amount of things i could say about myself. there is no end to the amount of catharsis i desire. oh well. that's where i am.
❀