take 2
tw: depression
part of me knows it can’t really be the lesson………but the thing i keep learning is that i cannot trust anyone. not even myself, because i keep picking these people i can’t trust. lately i’ve felt like i’m living under a plastic sheet. like my skin can’t breathe. all the release of orgasm and whatever it’s called when you take in beauty so powerful it feels like orgasm, that’s just out of reach. that feeling of cool lake water against the skin, maybe you could call it peaceful surrender, or just bliss ~ that’s too subtle for me now. i have to work hard to feel those things, and sometimes the work scares it off. some people i stopped being close to on purpose. some people moved away. some people went through traumas that made them retreat from the world. some people drift away regularly, as if they’ve lost interest, and i’m too scared to ask why. even with my partner, whose body i fuse against every night in the closest approximation of safety i’ve ever known, we find ourselves on the verge of breaking up every few months. all i know is that i can’t trust anyone. and it’s really sad.