coffee berry
i was hoping to have something more positive/less self-pitying to post next, but i don't. i mean i'm not actively crying this time. i'm at a coffee shop. there's a short man in a business suit, with a briefcase, on the phone pacing in front of me. it's way too hot to be wearing a suit and he's been pacing on the phone since i got here. at least he finally went outside instead of making us listen to his big boy business deals. how can he stand to be such a parody of human existence? is he not aware that he's a cartoon character? is he proud of it? am i too judgmental? (yes)
hi. oops i'm supposed to be tackling my to-do list and instead i found a seat, got settled, emailed my therapist, watched my laptop die, found a new seat, got settled, and opened this blog. it's the only thing that feels good! like finally taking a deep breath. ugggggh. i guess you could say i'm "not okay." surprise!
i was really excited about today because two days ago i went on a first date and it went really well and we spent ~36 hours voraciously flirting and our second date was supposed to be tonight. and then last night, out of nowhere, he firmly broke things off. and i don't know what it is about rejection but it just snapped me in half. i had already had a very long, horrible day and was finally ready to relax and the excitement of this new connection was the only thing buoying me. it's kind of like when someone dies, although obviously much less painful, because i keep having to remind myself in tiny ways that it's over, that all the things i was looking forward to need to be erased from my mind. we mainly decided to meet up because there was a swirl of synchronicities surrounding our meeting, all of which were on my side, and he was super interested in hearing about them, when i'm used to people just staring at me blankly when i bring up all the patterns i’m noticing. one of the small ironies i didn't get a chance to share with him was that the day we matched on feeld i had just decided to delete the app. and how funny, now that this great connection was happening, one that was finally filling me with joy (a tempered, realistic, cynical joy even!) and that was going to go so many places! i think i need to stop trying to date at all. i think i need to stop trying to replicate any aspect of my old life, because it keeps ending in failure, which only damages my self esteem more. it's like i used to be a great long-distance runner, and every time i try to go for a walk i immediately fall down and hurt myself and have to start the recovery process all over again. now i am on the verge of crying in this coffee shop. not like i've never done that before.
caveat that i know this is all against the backdrop of a dying, screaming world that fills me with terror whenever i think about it, which is often. i'm not unaware that my personal problems are relatively frivolous. still, no one else is going to sort them out.
i really don't care much if no one ever reads this. i think if i start caring there’ll be too much pressure and it will become one of those blogs where the author occasionally gets on to say "i'm sorry i've been neglecting this! i swear i will get back to it soon" and then you never hear from them again (i.e. every blog).
i'm really attracted to women with throaty, squeaky voices. don't know why. i wish i could just melt down my body and float around the aether. taking in sensory input is nice! i've written this too many times but i really, really want to climb into a dark closet and hibernate for maybe a year and then come out shiny and limber and bushy-tailed and ready. i guess rebirth is what i want. to start over and try again. why always a closet as the womb though? i'm already very publicly bisexual
okay now i'm being antisocial because greg just got here and i'm still tapping away like mia in my beloved princess diaries books and i always thought that was really unrealistic but here i am doing it too okay bye.