bummer dude
i'm writing in here to avoid complaining at my partner.
i threw my back out today, i guess is what you could call it. i guess this is what people are describing when they text me to ask if i have any openings that day, because they threw out their back, and i am a massage therapist. it's not a medical term, and people in general are not very equipped to describe what's happening with their bodies. and i similarly have no idea what's going on.
it's not exactly that it's embarrassing when i don't have the answers to these things. it's more that it's unnerving, because it feels like the imposter i suspect myself of being is on the verge of reveal. (has anyone written about the psychology of scooby-doo villains behind their swamp masks? or at least used it as a juicy metaphor?)
i did some light research earlier, but the internet is so broken now (y'all seen this shit?) that i sort of rifled through the trash heap of bodywork media available to me and ended up watching videos of a real chiropractor reacting to exploitative fake chiropractor content, which is apparently and unsurprisingly a thing. it's like softer than the softest porn but it's damaging to our industry. i could keep trying to research my problem but the thing about pain, at least for me, is that it makes everything grey out. my ability to self-motivate is already whisper-thin. right now i can't even see it through the haze.
i'm sitting outside, by a pond, and yes the breeze is very nice in this moment, and all the neighborhood dogs are taking turns shouting about it. i just had an experience where a dog was howling about two houses away and the howling went on forever and then i realized it was actually a plane. i said: "hmm!"
this was what i wanted to text my partner: i think i am being cosmically punished. it is never just one thing with my life. it's always a cascade of everything, like how deaths come in threes, RIP everyone. like all of my electronics decide to die at the same time, and all bureaucratic nightmares descend separately but get wound up together, and all of the doorknobs grab onto my skirt at the exact moment i'm running late for the most important day of the year. but everyone feels this way. right? now that i've divested from the hippie girl habit of seeing signs in everything, i would prefer to believe i'm not special in this way. it's just pure coincidence, and i'm assigning a narrative, and one bad thing is leading to another because i'm a competent storyteller.
okay only the first bit was what i was going to text my partner. this is much better because all he would've said was "i'm sorry bub. is there anything i can do?" and i would've felt vaguely dissatisfied and said "i don't think so" or "you've done enough, thank you" and my thoughts wouldn't have gone any deeper. OR he would've called me and i'd have stared at the phone in apprehension and thought well maybe it would be nice to get to sort my feelings out with another human and then he would've started talking to me instead about Umamusume, a video game where you gamble on horses that are also anime girls. maybe i should write in my blog more.
in fact this is the best decision i've made all day. to be frank, i am sitting at a table on a chair covered in pillows, and i don't know if i'll regret any of that when i try to stand up. it seems to get worse when i stay still but i’m hurting too much to want to move. it feels like my sacrum is controlling the rest of my body with puppet strings, but the strings are made of iron cables. no. it feels like when you're on an inversion table, and so much SPACE rushes into your low back, like you can finally FEEL everything that has been deadened by lack of attention/movement. but the FEEL is an intense throbbing ache, instead of lightness and relief.
oh well! being out here talking to you by this pond is feeling like lightness and relief. i feel better.
it's after 7:30pm. summer so it's still light outside. i should probably change out of my sweaty pajamas and leave the house, maybe even take a shower. i'm desperately craving chocolate, and my period is nigh, and the kind person who brought me groceries today (who has already been mentioned) left several things off the list despite my meticulous communication. there are some people with whom you have to strike the absolute right balance. too little communication and they give up because they don't know what you want. too much and they give up because they feel overwhelmed. he's mostly only this way with written instructions, because he's dyslexic, and with complex future planning, because he has the opposite kind of ADHD from mine.
anyway, not to throw him under the bus, but i really wish i had some fudgesicles. i'm housesitting and there's an ice cream shop about an 8 minute walk from here. so:
do i go?
if yes, i should probably shower first, so that i don't interpret other people's glances as steely judgement.
(or i could try not to care.)
my showers take a heroically long time because of my very long hair and general extreme slowness. but maybe i could become a different, better person, just for the night.
if yes, i should probably take a dog.
here is what it's like to walk these dogs, and some bonus descriptors because it helps my soul to clown on them:
middle child (female) - walks normally, but is randomly reactive at other creatures/people. her favorite activity is trying to climb inside your body and if she could say any one word it would be "PLEASE!!!!!!!"
oldest child (male) - is a dachshund. pulls harder than my 37 pound husky, who was bred to pull sleighs. where does he think we're going, i want to ask. i have to use every muscle in my body not to fall over, and my hands get sore from gripping the leash. not an option on this day of aching. his favorite activity is defending his castle from other men, and if he could say one word it would be "hmmm..." (both suspicious and curious).
youngest child (female) - has no concept of what a walk or leash is. pedals four legs furiously in all directions. looks like a mop head on a spinning roomba. both stops and runs at whim. dives headfirst into anything that is wet, dirty, or full of burrs. her favorite activity is having the shrillest bark in the universe and if she could say any word it would be [cackling sound]
i think the middle child wins today, because i am a coward. a coward who wants chocolate ice cream.
thanks for reading <3